Read this article while I was breastfeeding and had to stop because my giggling out loud was distracting the little one:
"Steps to help prepare yourself for breastfeeding.
You’re pregnant. Or maybe just planning on being pregnant soon. Congratulations! Your life is over but in a good way. The best way. With babies come lots of decisions, and that requires a lot of questions you need to ask yourself. What kind of diapers will I buy? What will my sleeping system be? What is the best car seat? And one of the most important, what will I feed my baby?
If you have chosen to breastfeed, there are some steps you can take to see what it will be like before the time comes. Like a test drive! I’ve been nursing for 15 months and although I have absolutely loved it, there are moments where I want to die. I’m preparing you for those want-to-die moments. Enjoy your breastfeeding test drive! Dads this is also great for you to have some understanding so you can put a reason with the unexplained rage and sadness.
Breastfeeding a newborn:
1) Find a brillow pad.
2) Rub brillow pad all over your nipples.
3) Listen to a tape of a baby crying while doing this.
4) Do this about every hour for a couple of weeks. Do it mostly at night when it’s time to sleep.
Breastfeeding in the early stages:
1) You can lose the brillow pad but you must replace it with a warm liquid that you’re not fond of the smell of.
2) Hold a 10 pound sack of potatoes up to your chest and pretend to nurse. Now pour this liquid all over your shirt. Now put it in your hair. Dump it in your lap. Basically just everywhere.
3) Change your shirt without washing any of it off of your skin. Let it dry to yourself. Bask in it.
4) Switch sides and do it again. Just leave this shirt on for the rest of the day because now the sack of potatoes is sleeping and you can’t move for two hours. FREEZE for two hours. The remote is just ouf of reach and you have to watch Peppa Pig for two hours. (Go ahead and watch Peppa Pig. It’s fucking awful.)
5) When two hours have gone by, do it again.
Preparation for pumping:
1) Go ahead and put a pump on your boob if you’re a dad. Pump. Do this as long as you can stand it. Now do it for five more minutes and pretend you got one ounce of milk.
2) Find an expensive scotch or a private stock of something you like to drink that costs a lot of money. Something you would be pretty upset to waste.
3) Spill half of it while transferring it from pump to bottle to storage bag to freezer.
Preparation for nursing in public:
You’re feeling confident. Your baby nurses easily at home and you two have a system down. Let’s go out into the real world again! We can do this!
1) Find a nice park bench to sit down on. Drape a blanket over your shoulder and find a stray cat.
2) Put the stray cat under the blanket and unbutton your top.
3) Let the cat scratch you and try to wiggle out of your arms and try to remove itself from the blanket 421847 times.
4) Smile as people walk by you and pretend they don’t notice a small thing fighting you underneath a blanket. This shit is real.
Preparation for teeth:
1) Take a deep breath and get in a relaxed state. Hold a fifteen pound bag in your lap.
2) Have your partner clamp a mousetrap on your nipple when you are not expecting it.
3) You can’t drop the bag, throw the bag out of your lap, hit the bag, or scream and scare the bag. Good luck.
Preparation for a toddler:
1) Hold a 20 pound dog. Try to sit in a chair and calmly rock the dog. This is going well. Dog likes you.
2) Now have the mailman ring the doorbell.
3) Have someone offer the dog dinner. And now a ball. And now a walk outside. Meanwhile, don’t let this dog off your lap.
4) Practice managing to hold the dog sideways and upsidedown, as toddlers often demand to nurse in stupid positions.
5) Slap yourself in the face a lot and cover yourself in food crumbs. After a few minutes, you can let the dog leave while you look at yourself all scratched up and destroyed.
Congratulations, you are ready for all of the want-to-die moments of breastfeeding!! Enjoy your boobs while they are yours!”
Oh my god best breast feeding post ever.