Milestones:

Roland yelled “you’re making my sad” at me for the first time when I insisted he go to bed.

Today we partied

First birthday partied, that is. Roland’s little friend peri had the distinction of joining the world on the last day of classes a year ago. That’s a pretty timely birthday!
We went. Roland helped make the card, which was super cute. I probably should have taken a picture of it. He was intensely interested in birthday cake and in miss peri’s extensive toy collection.
There were so many kids there, it looked like a daycare exploded on the house. One poor mama had a super out of control 8 year old, who actually managed to destroy half a rose bush and take a string anchor off a pear tree in two minutes flat. She was so angry and mortified.
I offered to make her a margarita later. I think the margarita could be the universal “I get it, kids can be crazy uncivilized no matter how many times you tell them people don’t do that” signal.

  • Ro : *bzzzzzz! Bzzzzzz! Oh, a flower! I'm going a drink a nectar annnnnnnd MAKE HONEY"
  • Me: Sweetie, you are not a bee. You can't make honey.
  • Ro: *cried for 15 minutes because he thought he was a bee*

Hippie Mom Problems

So, TMI ahead: I use a menstrual cup because I’m a hippie, cheap, and I hate going to the store. Since Roland is incapable of privacy, he barged in to the bathroom as I was reinserting my menstrual cup.  Then, the following:

Ro: What dat?
Me: Menstrual cup. For catching blood.
Ro: Put it inna butt?
Me: No. Butts are for pooping. Menstrual blood comes out of vagina.
Ro: a GINA? I have one?
Me: No. You have a penis.
Ro: AND A BUTT FOR POOPING! YAAAAAY! *He starts clapping and runs off.*

Which, whatever, is an awkward conversation I figured we’d have at some point anyway. I mean, I keep a book full of pictures of cut up dead people on my desk (otherwise known as an anatomy atlas) so I knew the anatomy talks were coming one way or another. 

Right in the feels.

  • Me: Ok, sweetie. I take you to daycare after I drop off this paper.
  • Roland: I GO TO SCHOOL!
  • Me: Yeah, baby, you get to go to school today. Just for a little bit.
  • Roland: Mama lives at school!

Rolandisms

  • Wearing two shirts because he wanted his “balloon shirt ANNN a pokket!”
  • Now has a teddy bear named “rawr” who is a girl bear and likes balloons. This bear went to daycare today. I think they’re going to be good friends. They went up the stairs together, Rawr’s head bump bump bumping much like Pooh theorized was the only way to traverse stairs. 

Lacking polish

  • Me: so then I find out I've got a huge strip of leg hair running up my leg
  • Jer: I know exactly how you feel! I found out yesterday I had a neck beard!
  • Me: but a neck beard could be intentional
  • Jer: it's on my face!

Milestone: jumped out of the window.

today after nap Roland jumped out of the living room window. Jer found out 5 minutes later when the maintenance guy for our apartment brought him back.

Having heard all of this second hand when I returned from clinic was good in that my panic attack was compressed to a millisecond. Super glad everything worked out ok, other than the fact that we can no longer leave any windows unlocked and unsupervised. 

Lies I tell Roland

  • That (vehicle for kids) cart is broken. We can’t use it because the mechanic needs to see it. 
  • I don’t have any quarters for the M & M machine
  • We don’t have any ice cream
  • This is the last time I’m going to tell you…
  • Mama is too tired to carry you right now
  • I’m reading the news (half lie? I’m checking facebook)
  • I can’t [_______] until I finish this cup of coffee.
  • Maybe there is a choo train by [destination I want him to walk to]. 

Becoming That Parent

Have you ever been to the Oregon Zoo? It’s built on a hillside such that the entire walk into the zoo is downhill, but the return to the entrance is all uphill. 

Señor tiny pants and I went to the zoo this morning. First we stopped at the sandbox. For 20 minutes. Then we went to look at the bubbles in the sea lion exhibit. Then we looked at warty pigs, reported a family who threw a plastic toy in to said pigs, and spent half an hour in the water tubs pretending to be elephants. We wandered slowly through the gibbon, orangutan, and chimpanzee areas, played on the playground at the end of the fragile forests, and then climbed the africafe to sit on the top balcony for snacks. There were many verbal warnings of how much time we had left before heading home, yet at the actual moment of needing to go uphill, complete toddler meltdown. 

The sobbing. The flailing. The laying on the ground. the continual NONONONO. He screamed DOWN so much he eventually even tried it to the tune of “Mary had a little lamb” which was hilarious but of course I couldn’t laugh. 

All the while I’m hauling this kid the half a mile up a hill through a saturday midday crowd on one of the first sunny weekends of the year, first on one hip, then under my arm like a duffle bag, then on the other hip, then upside down according to the flailing and the flopping. 

When we got to the car he sobbed even harder because I wouldn’t let him drive. I never let him have any fun

Juvenile Playlet

Ro: *Giant toot*
Ro: Baby toot!
Ro: Sounds like tractor. (From the cars tractor tipping scene)
Me: It totally did. *dissolves in laughter*
Ro: *giggling like a tiny gigglebot*
Me: okay, okay. Time to settle down and go to sleep. 
Ro: okay okay. *2 seconds of silence pass*
Ro: *starts giggling again*
Me: *starts giggling again*
(repeat calm-down and re-giggle approximately a million times, until roland gets the hiccoughs and literally falls asleep while both laughing and hiccoughing.)
/end scene.

robot-mama:

thedaddycomplex:

I wrote a thing. Bandwagon, thou hast been JUMPED!

Seriously though, people, let’s stop banning words and start focusing on behavior.

I’m actually not a fan of Lean In, but I do like the campaign to get people to think about using the word “bossy” and other ways we talk to little girls about leadership, their personalities, and their behavior. You say it’s not the word, but the behavior that matters, but when the behavior is only to apply this word to little girls, the word does kind of become a problem.

If your daughter is being dictatorial, think about how you might have the exact same conversation with your son(s) if he were acting the exact same way. If the word “bossy” never comes to mind, maybe you should interrogate why that’s your go-to pejorative with your daughter and what other things you might be telling her by using a word that is only used to shut up little girls and grown women, when you would discuss her behavior differently than you would with your sons.

The point of this campaign is obviously not censorship. Even the author of this piece, paying lip service to “freedom of speech,” acknowledges that’s not what the campaign is about. We all know the point of this campaign is to get parents, teachers, and other community leaders to think critically about how they talk to little girls about their behavior and leadership in order to avoid being sexist assholes about it. So if you can blow off an entire discussion about how we talk about leadership with girls over a fucking hashtag all so you can keep using an insult on your daughters that exists solely to carry water for bigoted ideas about women’s place and value in the world, because an admittedly disingenuous discussion about how censorship matters more than perpetuating sexist ideas with our kids…well, that’s pretty fucked up.

bolded for emphasis. Thinking critically= good. Huge difference between how we talk to little boys and how we talk to little girls, and this is a massive problem in our extremely misogynistic, patriarchal society.  When a little boy is “bossy”, he’s instead referred to as “knowing what he wants” or “very opinionated” or “a little dictator” all of which assume that he’s in control. When a little girl is “bossy” she’s expected to step back into her place, which is to accept whatever the person who thinks she’s “bossy” wants her to do. It’s bullshit. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life in the STEM field. It’s not about banning the word, but the attitude. I also agree with Jackie, that instead of forcing women to Lean In, we should be teaching our boys to Lean Out and make space for women, acknowledge women’s contributions, and start talking about  the difference that gender imposes these days.  What we teach our little boys about how we talk to little girls is going to change the world. 

(via mominleggings)

Brain Teasers

If you can guess who pooped in a tiny potty, then went and put on rain boots, then “stomped inna mud!”, you can also guess who is never getting their apartment deposit back and needs to rent a steam cleaner again.

New Phase: Can’t win.

Excessively distraught about everything.

I woke up before baby wanted to get out of bed? 
Refuse to go back to bed without me, sob about being awake, scream about not being picked up, refuse to use the potty, lay down on face in hallway and sob.

I put too much milk in the granola this morning?
scream. Throw spoon. lay facedown on the floor and cry. 

I offered a chicken stuffed animal instead of a sheep?
Lay facedown and cry. Occasionally raise tear streaked, judgmental face and yell “Nooooooooo”. 

I served chicken nuggets and green bean chips (all homemade, so I guess not the toddler primo version) last night but refused to also serve applesauce and rice chips?
sob so hard he actually turns red. Lay on the floor and cry. Scream “APPLESAUCE MAMA BRING IT APPLESAUCE” on repeat in hopes that this will change my mind about dinner choices. 

Let him “drive” the car while I switch the carseat from jer’s car to mine, but then after letting him play for ten minutes and giving him two warnings insist that we have to go back downstairs to our house and actually pick him up?
"PUT DOWN PUT DOWN PUT DOWN" sob. Kick off boots and go limp. Attempt to lie on pavement in puddle. "PUT DOWN" kick off boots again. sob more. Scream. As soon as we are inside and I actually put him down, scream "PICK YOU UP" and sob because I put him down. 

Please tell me this is a short phase. 

Related to dinner not being ready on time

Hot dogs and seaweed are a balanced meal, right?